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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24096622">Miseducation</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/morganya/pseuds/clockworkmargaret'>clockworkmargaret (morganya)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Mighty Boosh (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bryan Ferry's A+ Parenting, Bullying, Gen, Jungle Child Vince</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:16:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,381</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24096622</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/morganya/pseuds/clockworkmargaret</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Howard goes on a school field trip. It doesn't go as planned.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Bringing Back the Boosh 2020 Fic Exchange</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Miseducation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Culumacilinte/gifts">Culumacilinte</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The last thing Howard wanted to do, in the spring of his eleventh year, was get on a plane and fly to a strange country. The headmaster had sent everyone in Howard's year home with a permission form and then the next thing Howard knew was that his mother was telling him that he was going to the jungle to study botany with the rest of his classmates.</p><p>"But I don't like botany," Howard said. "I'm a poet. Poets don't fly on airplanes. They fly on the strength of their own imaginations."</p><p>"It's free and you're going," his mother said. "It'll do you good to learn something new."</p><p>"I don't need to know anything new."</p><p>"Then it will build character," Howard's mother said. "I work two jobs to cover your school fees and if they're going to offer you an exotic education, you're taking it. So you can stop that whinging right now, sir. You're packing a bag and if I hear any more out of you I'm taking away your pencil collection."</p><p>Howard had no idea how to argue his way out of the situation, so he resorted to stamping his feet and yelling, "This family is an <em>existential nightmare</em>!" before running up to his room and slamming the door. He had no idea what existential nightmare meant but he'd read it in a book and it sounded serious.</p><p>Two days later, Howard got on a huge scarlet plane with the rest of his year, the headmaster, and two of his teachers. He was filled with vague suspicion on the ride over. He tried to ask the boy sitting next to him if he knew what was happening, but the boy just glared at him and said, "Talk to me again, Moon, and I'll break your face." Valuing his facial integrity, Howard beat a hasty retreat to the WC, where he stayed for the rest of the flight.</p><p>His suspicions continued after he stepped off the plane. He tried to hide behind the dusty red landing gear until everyone else had left, but one of the teachers found him and dragged him back towards the group, whereupon everyone went back to ignoring him. He was still wearing his school uniform, which instantly became sweat-damp and unpleasant smelling in the heavy air. He could have used a fan, or some deodorant. No one asked him what he thought, though, so he just followed along.</p><p>The headmaster brought them to the edge of the jungle. From where Howard was standing, it ran over the horizon and seemed to have no end. He saw a riot of blues and yellows and browns, and there were sounds coming from somewhere hidden in the trees that he didn't recognize.</p><p>The headmaster said, "All right, children, off you go!"</p><p>"I don't know what we're doing," Howard protested. No one answered him. He tried to catch one of his classmates, but the closest one to him was the boy from the plane, who held up a fist while mouthing <em>break your face</em>, so Howard gave up on forming any kind of a study group. He looked to try to find one of the teachers, but they had already moved on with the headmaster, the three of them passing a flask back and forth between them. Howard sighed, squared his shoulders, and went off into the jungle alone.</p><p>He got lost almost immediately. The trees overhead were so thick that they blocked the sun, and it was difficult to tell which way he was facing. The sounds of birds and insects and animals he couldn't name blended together into one big sound.</p><p>Howard Moon was nothing if not conscientious, so he thought he should at least try to do some botanical study. He didn't really know how, but he had read enough books about scientists to have an idea of what it might look like.</p><p>He knelt down on the wet ground, dirt instantly staining his knees, and squinted at the undergrowth. It was vaguely green. He touched one of the plants; it was wet. That was all he knew.</p><p>He looked at the plants for a while longer, thinking he'd be sure to have a brilliant insight soon. He was so busy trying to have a scientific breakthrough that he almost didn't notice the rustle of leaves close by.</p><p>Howard turned his head and said, "Hello?" but no one answered. The rustling continued, loud even amongst the ambient animal buzzing. Howard stood up and attempted to figure out where the new sound was coming from. Everything around him still looked like plants, at least until he looked towards the shadows behind the greenery and saw the yellow eyes glowing in the dark.</p><p>Howard didn't know what he was seeing. The leaves rustled again and then parted, and there was a leopard staring at him. And it was licking its chops.</p><p>Howard's first thought was, <em>That cat's a bit bigger than the ones at home,</em> and his second thought was, <em>Oh, dear.</em> He was running almost before he finished the thought.</p><p>Strangely enough, running away didn't put the leopard off at all. It snarled and launched itself out from the undergrowth, chasing after Howard on powerful legs, gracefully dodging the roots and stones that Howard stumbled over. Its teeth were yellow and very, very sharp.</p><p>"Don't kill me," Howard sobbed, trying not to fall over and break his nose before he got eaten. The leopard lowered its head, ears pulled back and pupils dilated. "I've got so much to give!" Howard pleaded, but there was no mercy on the tawny face.</p><p>Howard tripped over something solid. This time, he went down hard, lying amongst wild-smelling plants and earth, and the leopard stood over him, growling triumphantly. Howard squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the inevitable.</p><p>"<em>Callabantoohoolahoola</em>!" something called, alarmingly close to Howard's ear. The leopard stopped batting at Howard with its terrifyingly huge paw and made a sound somewhere between a chirp and a growl.</p><p>Howard was too busy trying not to lose control of his bodily functions to process what was happening for a minute. When he realized that he wasn't being torn to shreds, he could hear what sounded suspiciously like a conversation above him, a mix of growls and hisses and rumbles between the leopard and something else.</p><p>When he continued to remain not dead, Howard opened his eyes. The leopard was sitting with its tail wrapped around its huge body, looking curiously at him. Howard squeaked and tried to get up to run away, but he got distracted by a new something crouching next to him, something that looked remarkably similar to a human.</p><p>"Awright," the something said. "I'm Vince. Jahooli says he didn't know you were a boy. He thought you were an ugly naked monkey."</p><p>Howard bristled. He'd seen pictures of monkeys before and if he was sure of one thing, it was that he looked nothing like them. "I'm not a monkey!" he said. "I'm Howard Moon!" He looked closer at the Vince-something. It was wearing what looked like the tatters of an ancient t-shirt, rags barely hanging onto its thin frame. Under a tangle of dirty blonde hair, two startlingly blue eyes peered out at him. "…Are you a boy too?" Howard asked.</p><p>"Yeah!" the Vince-something said. "I'm the only boy in the forest! Well, until you showed up." The leopard got up and made its way over to Vince, lying down next to him and yawning. Vince stroked its head.</p><p>"I don't want to be eaten," Howard warned. "So your mate can just forget about all that."</p><p>Vince looked down at the leopard and they had another exchange of noises. There was a distinct South London flavor to Vince's rumbling.</p><p>Vince said, "Jahooli says that you should have told him that you were a boy straight off. He might have changed his mind about eating you sooner."</p><p>"Oh, he <em>might have</em>. Tell him thanks very much," Howard said. "Anyway, I don't speak leopard, do I?"</p><p>Vince blinked. "You don't? Then how do you know when the rain's coming or when the monkeys get a new king?"</p><p>Howard said, "I take French, not leopard. I know how to ask for the toilet. Where do you go to school? I haven't seen you before."</p><p>"What's school?"</p><p>"You don't know what school is?"</p><p>"Is it a river?"</p><p>Howard felt unaccountably disturbed. "My mum says that everyone needs to go to school. She says it's the only way to get anywhere in life."</p><p>"When I need to get somewhere I usually walk," Vince said. "Or I ride on Jahooli's back. He's very strong."</p><p>Howard considered the statement. He didn't think he'd meant what Vince had thought he'd meant, but maybe because Vince was from the jungle he did things differently than people in England. Maybe Vince didn't know about things like Weather Report and chips with curry sauce and heating milk for tea. It seemed unfathomable to Howard.</p><p>His stomach began growling at the thought of chips with curry sauce. Jahooli the leopard picked his head up and gave Howard an unimpressed look. Vince said, "Are you hungry? Why don't you come round mine for lunch?"</p><p>Howard was hungry enough that if Vince had offered him a handful of live worms, he'd have thought seriously about having a nibble. As it was, he said, "Yes, please."</p><p>Vince beamed at him. "I live in the trees, up in the house made of bus tickets. Here, Jahooli can give us a ride."</p><p>Howard didn't have time to ponder the multiple absurdities in that statement, because the last thing he wanted to do was get near the leopard who had almost eaten him. Jahooli rose to his feet in one elegant movement, gave Howard a sidelong look, and ran his tongue around his mouth. Howard whimpered.</p><p>"Oi," Vince said and poked Jahooli. "Stop taking the mick. He's just teasing you, Howard. Come on." He swung onto Jahooli's back and gestured at Howard to follow.</p><p>Howard's stomach growled again. He considered his options. He could either stay here and try to find something relatively edible, or he could risk getting munched up by a leopard on the way to the Cockney Mowgli's house. Finally he squared his shoulders and got on Jahooli's back behind Vince. Jahooli's fur was dusty and strong-smelling, but when Vince said, "Hang on," Howard buried his fists in the rose-shaped black spots and held on tight.</p><p>For some reason Howard was surprised to see that Vince really had a house made of bus tickets. He was mildly concerned that he would step over the threshold and the entire structure would collapse, but instead he got inside and the floor was made up of so many layers of tickets that they felt like concrete. There was something that looked like a makeshift bed in the corner made up of old t-shirts and other pieces of discarded clothing. Plants of varying colors and sizes grew thick and fast on two of the far walls, until it seemed they were holding the roof on.</p><p>"Right," Vince said, after Howard had taken a minute to get acclimated. Jahooli curled up in the corner by the door and went to sleep. Vince said, "You can pick something to eat off the walls there. Fancy anything in particular?"</p><p>Howard looked closer at the walls. Scattered among the blooms and greenery he could see fruits hanging off the branches. Once he knew they were there, he felt a little spoilt for choice; everything looked juicy and tempting, blushing shades of pink and orange and red. He poked a bunch of glossy-skinned berries and watched their ruby skins shade to purple.</p><p>"Those aren't ripe yet," Vince said. "You can eat them but your mouth will go all buzzy and it won't feel very nice."</p><p>"Really?" Howard said. "What about these?" He indicated to the branch above the berries, where some uncomfortably pendulous pink gourds were hanging.</p><p>"They're full of pips and if you swallow one by accident, your elbows will feel like your knees for two days. Here." Vince came to stand beside him and began swiftly plucking things off the wall. He gave Howard a handful of vivid fruits and leaves and blossoms.</p><p>Embarrassment always made Howard spiteful, so he said, "So what do these do? Turn your spleen inside out? Grow nipples on your arse? Make your pubes ginger?"</p><p>"No, but that sounds genius," Vince said. He took a huge bite out of the yellow fruit he was holding and wiped the juice from his chin. "Eat up before they go brown."</p><p>Howard was too hungry to keep arguing, so he sat down to eat. Annoyingly, whatever it was that he had tasted strange but tasty, rather like grapefruit juice mixed with spicy honey, and the gnawing hunger began to subside. Vince sat across from him and made something akin to a sandwich, pressing a handful of sticky berries between two green leaves and chewing happily.</p><p>"Why is your house made out of bus tickets?" Howard asked. "How come it's not made of bricks or bamboo?"</p><p>"Isn't your house made out of bus tickets then?" Vince said.</p><p>"I live in a flat with my mum," Howard said. "She won't tell me what it's made of. My dad lives at my grandparents' house in Wakefield. Their house is made of wood."</p><p>"I've got a mate called Kharitahl who's a beetle," Vince said. "She lives in a house made of wood too. Well, it's more of a dead tree that she lives in with a few thousand of her friends, but she calls it a house. All the other beetles say she's full of herself."</p><p>Howard had barely begun to ponder this statement when there was a sudden mechanical roaring above them and the house began to shake, stray tickets fluttering loose and flying about the place. Jahooli startled awake and growled.</p><p>"There's that noise again," Vince said. "I heard it just before you showed up. Do you know what it is?"</p><p>Howard put down his lunch and hurried to the window to check. Through a crack in the thick canopy of trees, he could see a huge red plane flying overhead, disappearing rapidly, heading in what Howard could only assume was an English direction.</p><p>"Well," Howard said. "There goes my ride home." He would have liked to say that they would soon realize their mistake and turn the plane around to come find him, but somewhere in the place that counted, he knew they wouldn't.</p><p>Vince came and stood by his side, peering up at the smoke trails the plane had left behind. "Maybe your mates are still here. Maybe that's a different…something. What was that?"</p><p>"A plane," Howard said dejectedly. He would have loved to tell Vince how important he was to the school, how well-respected, how he never got beaten up and shoved in lockers, but he just couldn't summon up the energy. "They all left without me."</p><p>"Well, then you'll have to stay here with me," Vince said decisively.</p><p>Howard blinked. Jahooli looked from Howard to Vince, clapped a paw over his eyes and shook his great head before going back to sleep. Howard protested, "But…I don't even have my pyjamas."</p><p>Vince chewed on the skin of his thumb and considered. "Bryan's got some spare smoking jackets that I sleep in sometimes. Maybe those would work." He went and rummaged through the supposed-bed.</p><p>"Who even wears smoking jackets?" </p><p>"Bryan does," Vince said. "He's gone to do an acoustic set for the macaws. He'll be home by dinner unless Chris Thomas calls him and asks him to go overdub some vocals." He held out a wrinkled smoking jacket that had seen better days.</p><p>Howard took the jacket but it was too big for him. Unable to keep from feeling sorry for himself, he sank onto the bus ticket floor and stared glumly at the departure times.</p><p>"C'mon, Howard," Vince said. "It doesn't even look that bad."</p><p>The jacket's collar, already holding on by a thread, finally gave up and fell onto the floor. Howard sighed.</p><p>"We'll find you something else to wear then," Vince said. He plucked a huge white blossom from the floor and stuck it in Howard's hair. "I'm good with a needle. Maybe I can make you some palm frond pyjamas."</p><p>"Palm fronds? Have you ever heard of cotton?"</p><p>"No," Vince said serenely. He put another flower in Howard's hair, a red one this time.</p><p>The sweet-spicy perfume from the flowers was distracting Howard from being miserable. Annoyed at having his mood interfered with, he said, "You can't even button a plant. Zippers and buttons are all that separate us from the animals."</p><p>"That sounds well boring," Vince said and put a yellow flower behind Howard's ear</p><p>Between the scent of the flowers, the heat, and the delicate feeling of Vince entwining flower stems in his curls, Howard was rapidly falling asleep. He mumbled, "Isn't," mostly for form's sake, and let Vince get on with it.</p><p>He was in a comfortable drowse when he heard a clash of drums that startled him awake. Vince looked up from where he was piecing a lei together and said, "Oh, he's home."</p><p>"Who?" Howard said, and then there was a flash of white in the corner of his eye which materialized into a tall man in a white dinner jacket. He stood in the doorway, calling, "Vince! I have returned from the gig with the macaws! Now we must prepare the evening meal!"</p><p>Howard had no idea what he was looking at. The man had his long hair slicked back into a ponytail, and his cheekbones were streaked with blue and orange. A cigarette dangled casually from his lip, and he was wearing a false chin painted to match his face. His tie was undone.</p><p>"Awright, Bryan," Vince said. "This is –"</p><p>"I see that a young lady has come to visit us here in the forest," Bryan said. "If I'd known we were going to have company I'd have put the kettle on."</p><p>"This is Howard," Vince said. "Howard, this is Bryan Ferry."</p><p>"Howard," Bryan said quizzically. "Where do you come from, young Howard? Were you also left on the doorstep by mischievous chimpanzees?"</p><p>"I was meant to be studying botany," Howard said. There was a white string showing where Bryan had tied his false chin on. "I came on a plane, sir?"</p><p>"Jahooli was chasing Howard," Vince explained. At the sound of his name, Jahooli yawned and rolled over onto his back. Bryan knelt down and absently stroked his belly. "Then all his mates left in some pain. Howard's going to stay here from now on."</p><p>"Nonsense," Bryan said. "I'm a single parent, stretched to my limit between young Vince and the animals of the forest. Your little girlfriend Howard must return to the city of men where she belongs."</p><p>Howard had a sinking feeling that he was going to have to walk back to England. Vince immediately tucked himself into Howard's side. "But, Bryan," he said. "How's Howard supposed to know how to get there? He doesn't even know what berries are good to eat. He'll be lost out there."</p><p>"I will not!" Howard snapped automatically, even though Vince was completely right and they both knew it. "I've been to almost three whole Scouts meetings. I can tie a knot!"</p><p>Bryan considered, ashing his cigarette outside the window. "Perhaps you are right, young Vince. I will call the great bird to take your friend home."</p><p>"What great bird?" Howard asked.</p><p>Bryan gave him an enigmatic smile. He crushed out his cigarette, leaned his head out of the door and shouted, "Come on, Gerald!"</p><p>The wind picked up, scattering the petals in Howard's hair. There was a deeply unsettling chirp coming from somewhere under his feet and then before he knew it there was something that looked like a kestrel that had been hit by gamma rays hovering outside the house, golden wings blacking out the light. It cocked its head and peered through the window with a beady eye.</p><p>"You shall go with Gerald," Bryan said. "You'll have to hang onto his feathers."</p><p>Vince's shoulders slumped. "Can't he stay a little longer?"</p><p>Howard felt strange. He wasn't used to someone actually wanting him around. He reached for Vince's hand and squeezed it.</p><p>"The forest is no place for a child," Bryan said, not unkindly. "Howard, give Gerald your address so he can take you home."</p><p>"Bye, Howard," Vince said wistfully, and Jahooli came to wind around his legs, rumbling at Howard.</p><p>Howard let go of Vince's hand and shinnied out the window to climb onto Gerald's feathery back. He told Gerald where to go and turned back to wave at Vince. Vince waved at him as Gerald spread his wings and took off, and he kept waving until Howard couldn't see him anymore.</p><p> The ride back was cold and windy and Howard's hands hurt from hanging on so tightly to Gerald's back. By the time they arrived at Howard's building, he was covered in dead insects and stray feathers. He didn't smell particularly good.</p><p>Gerald let him off by the front door, cawed a goodbye, and flew off. Howard let himself in using the spare key hidden by the tree in the front garden and went upstairs to the flat.</p><p>His mother was in the front room going through her bills. She looked up when Howard shut the door and said, "Oh, hello, Howard. How was your trip?"</p><p>"I got chased by a leopard," Howard said. "Then I met a Tarzan boy and the plane went home without me and Bryan Ferry is king of the forest –"</p><p>"That's nice, love," his mother said and went back to writing cheques. "Get your homework done before bed, yeah?"</p><p>"Right," Howard said, and went to take a shower.</p><p>It took two days for Howard to resign himself to his life again. On the third night, he was getting ready for bed when he heard a tap at the window.</p><p>Puzzled, he went and threw open the sash. Whatever he was expecting to see, it certainly wasn't Vince, but there he was, sitting on a tree branch and swinging his legs. Instead of the tattered rags he had been wearing before, he was wrapped in a sweater several sizes too big for him and scuffed up trainers. "Awright, Howard?" he said.</p><p>"Vince!" Howard said. "I thought you were in the forest!"</p><p>"I was," Vince said. "But I'm here now. Bryan sent me to stay with my auntie Linda. He said it was hypercritical to make me stay in the forest when you went back to the city."</p><p>"Hypocritical," Howard said. "How long are you staying?"</p><p>Vince shrugged. "Jahooli said he would look after things for me until I came back. He told me he'd write, but I know he was lying. We don't have any stamps in the forest."</p><p>"Where are you staying now?"</p><p>"Just down the road. For now. Auntie Linda says it's high time I went away to school. She says living in the forest all them years made me backward."</p><p>"You should go to my school," Howard said. "Tell your auntie to call my mum. She'll help you."</p><p>"School sounds well boring," Vince said.</p><p>"It is, but my mum says it's got to be boring or you won't learn. Sometimes when I go stay with my dad, he shows me his map collection and tells me about each country."</p><p>Vince frowned. "I don't know."</p><p>"Come in for tea," Howard suggested. "I'll tell you all about it."</p><p>Vince shook his head. "I've got to be back at the flat soon. My auntie said I can't be out all night like before. Because of me being backward. See you tomorrow?"</p><p>Howard nodded and Vince clambered down the tree and disappeared.</p><p>The next day Howard wondered if Vince had just been a random dream of his, but then he was walking home from school and heard voices. There was a group of boys from school standing around a small, shabby blond boy, and Howard had a sinking feeling when he recognized Vince.</p><p>"What even <em>is</em> you?" one of the boys said, and all his mates snickered.</p><p>Vince pulled himself up to his full height, which wasn't much. "I'm Vince Noir. I'm Mowgli in flares."</p><p>"That's a stupid thing to say," the boy said. "Why do you think you can go around saying stupid things?"</p><p>Howard had been in this situation enough to know what was coming. "Oi!" he shouted, and ran across the street. "What d'you think you're doing? You always go around hassling foreign boys?"</p><p>"Awright, Howard?" Vince said cheerfully.</p><p>"I'll save you from these ruffians, Vince," Howard said. "You just step away from him or you're going to regret it."</p><p>The boy barely glanced at him. "Fuck off, Moon."</p><p>"Let me introduce you to my fists," Howard said. "The right one is Clobberin' Gus and the left one is –" Before he could finish the introduction, the boy had reared back and punched him straight in the face, knocking him to the ground.</p><p>When the pummeling ended Howard was curled up into a ball with his arms over his head. He looked up carefully to see if they had gone. Vince was kneeling by his side, face concerned.</p><p>"Well, I certainly taught them what was what," Howard said.</p><p>Vince pulled him to his feet. "I think they probably learned a lot from you lying on the ground weeping."</p><p>"Yes," Howard said, and refused to consider anything else. He said, "You've got to watch out for people like that, Vince. The city is full of dangers. It's not like life in the forest."</p><p>"I didn't know how different it was," Vince said. "Does this happen every day?"</p><p>"Not every day." Howard said. "Still, you'd better come home with me after school until you're more used to things. We'll have tinned tomato soup and I can show you my records. You'll have a fine education."</p><p>Vince considered for a minute. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah, okay."</p><p>"Come on then," Howard said. He slipped his hand into Vince's and started walking back to the flat, Vince following eagerly behind him.</p>
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